I was with a girl relationship before for quite some time- 3 years to be exact. That long, that serious but not that kind of forever relationship I guess. For awhile I thought about the idea that she will be the person I’ll spend the rest of my life with. And then one day it hits me straight to my stomach that I was just in love with the idea that I was JUST in love and no other plans. That day I felt awful, I felt like I’m the worst person that could ever exist because I was hurting her. But then I realised staying with her not feeling anything will be the most hurtful thing in the world. And so then I left. I said goodbye.
A year had passed, I began to be happy again, not with someone but with how things are going with me. Career, friends and family in general. The longing to be with someone never crossed my mind. I was enjoying life. I was kind of dating and seeing people and learning things I haven’t done for the last 4 years. It was amazing, to be honest.
But life wouldn’t be all like that forever, I won’t be just dating people and learning things over and over again. I needed someone. Truth be told I wasn’t looking, I was waiting for the perfect time that I will meet someone.
I never questioned my sexuality back then because I know I was into guys, and then I met my ex-girlfriend and things changed. I was determined that I like girls because I like her and because I was with her. But after we broke up, I started to feel having tiny crushes to guys. I thought I was weird. I never knew I will go back to this cycle AGAIN.
You see, I never had the best past experiences in life. I always learned things the hard way. I didn’t have a father figure growing up, to look up to, to say that “men will hurt you but I will always protect you because you’re my little girl”. Because he was different, he never showed me what a true loyal man is. My first boyfriend cheated on me when it was just the third month we’ve been together. It was my first ever heartbreak, the only time I thought someone loves me but fucked everything up. He asked for a space, I waited but he never came back. (Btw) he cheated right in front of my face. I felt disgusted, I felt like I will never find a real guy. And that was the main reasons why I’m having a hard time trusting guys.
But one day after being single for a year, I woke up telling myself, it’s time for me to be in love again. I was going out with friends thinking I will find someone serious. BUT that idea suck balls! So I tried dating apps (Yes, you heard it right). I was kind of pushing back the thought of using it cause I know nothing good comes out of it. But still, I tried it. Few swipe and also few perverts you’ll encounter. HA!
And then some guy message me one day, I ignored him and let some time passed by, then… I replied. Then we started having a good conversation. From conversation to meeting him in person. (Super cheesy line coming) It was love at first sight (kbye). But after meeting him for 2 days he went back to the states. 😦
Being in a long distance relationship takes enough courage and strength. It was really really hard. It needs two people to make it work. To be honest, I was scared at first, I didn’t know what will happen, how this thing works or what are the chances of surviving this kind of relationship. But I took the risk because I know this person is worth taking any risk.
It wasn’t easy, the distance, the time difference and the physical connection were the real challenges. Our relationship wasn’t that perfect, I did things I wish I didn’t because it will make him question my sincerity of this relationship. And how I wish I didn’t do it. Because God knows how much I love and committed I am to this guy. He made sense to all the imperfection of my life. And every day I look forward to seeing him and just talk about random things or simply know how our day went (shoutout to facetime).
3 months passed and I feel like I’ve known him for a very long time. The things we did together despite the distance made me realise this guy was really worth the chance. He was perfect for me. He was the guy who sees my flaws as beautiful. He’s the reason I can’t wait to finish work and go straight home cause I know I’ll see him again. He’s the reason I always smile looking at my phone. The only reason I’m always kilig. Making cute poses and slowly not knowing he’s sounding how I talk.
I will never promise anything that our relationship will be perfect, without flaws or without any fights to argue. But one thing I know, we’re a team and we will make this work.
For you James, sorry if I’m not perfect, sorry if I messed things up sometimes and sorry for being moody. Allow me to learn things and be better. I can never be too sure with anything right now, but what I’m 100% sure of is that I love you and you’re all that matters to me.
Feel so good to post something on my page, after 1 year and 2 months, I am writing again.